Living a Guilt-Free Life!

Forms of Addiction Denial
Few of us are eager to admit that our
spouse, child, or friend has an addiction.
Often we don’t recognize the
problem until authorities are involved.
Then we ask how we could have missed
the signs. Here are 10 guises that
denial can take, adapted from Avoiding
Relapse: Catching Your Inner Con, by
Lynn Namka.
1. Denial of the facts. The guidance
counselor doesn’t know what she is
talking about. Our son is fine—he’s
getting straight-As.
2. Denial of the significance of the facts.
I’ve never blacked-out or been
drunk at work. I’m not a wino.
3. Denial of the duration of the
problem. Once I get my degree, I’ll
stop taking stimulants.
4. Denial that fosters false hope for
future use. After I break the habit, I
can drink again at parties.
5. Denial of emotions. I need wine to
deal with the stress. You’d drink,
too, if you had my life.
6. Denial regarding control. I don’t
need those self-help meetings. I’m
doing fine on my own.
7. Denial of family secrets. No one at
the new school needs to know that
our daughter was in rehab.
8. Denial of lifestyle hazards. I don’t
take drugs anymore; I’m just
hanging out with my friends.
9. Denial of responsibility. I use, but
it’s not my fault. I get so much
pressure from everyone.
10. Denial of shame-based feelings. I
can’t let myself know how bad I
feel.
Guilt is handed on, person to
person, as surely as the baton
in a relay race. Each generation
receives it and passes it on to the
next. Parents, teachers, spouses,
businesses, governments, and
religions have used it—consciously
or not—for behavior modification or
punishment. It is such a part of the
fabric of our culture that we don’t
question its validity.
What is Guilt?
“Guilt is the source of sorrow, the
avenging fiend…with whips and
stings,” wrote the 17th century
dramatist, Nicholas Rowe. Rowe’s
words are hardly over-dramatized.
Guilt is like a ball and chain that
weighs us down and keeps us from
being who we are.
Guilt is a secondary emotion.
That means it’s a feeling that stems
from other thoughts or feelings.
Guilt comes from thinking that you
have done, or want to do, something
wrong. These thoughts of guilt infect
and suppress your real feelings, such
as anger, grief, desire, or happiness.
Typically, we deal with feelings
of guilt by denying them. However,
denied feelings don’t disappear; they
submerge and stay unconscious,
continuing to show up in negative
patterns of behavior.
But the good news is that guilt
is simply a conditioned response—
which means we can change it.
Getting a Handle on Guilt
First, remember that we are here
to learn. Our culture has taught us
that making mistakes is bad, but
mistakes are simply a way of learning
and growing, and provide excellent
feedback.
Acknowledge the guilt. Become aware
of the guilty feelings that overlay your
true feelings. Listen to the “you should”
and “you shouldn't” messages that
guilt whispers in your ear.
Question your guilt. Don’t take it for
granted. You were taught to feel
guilty for feeling or behaving in
a certain way. Are you willing to
unlearn this behavior, and to release
it? Examine what guilt is costing you
and if it offers any positive results in
your life.
Recognize the difference between your
conscience and guilt. Our conscience
provides us with a self-assured sense
of right and wrong and is a helpful
guide to behavior, while guilt is a
form of brainwashing that erodes
self-worth and our ability to make
good judgments. Those “should”
messages are a good indicator of the
difference.
Experience the feeling that guilt is
suppressing. Healing occurs when
feelings are acknowledged and
experienced. Jackie had been
taught as a child that anger was an
unacceptable emotion. Feeling angry
with her husband, she became aware
of the guilt–“I shouldn’t be angry”–
that was stopping her from speaking
up. With that realization, Jackie’s
guilt evaporated. She expressed
herself and, for the first time in her
life, knew what guilt-free anger felt
like: alive, clean, and clear.
Move the guilt out of your body. Identify
where in your body you feel guilt;
imagine all your guilt gathered there.
See it now as if in a balloon, floating
out of your body, into space. Or, write
down all the reasons you “should”
feel guilty—all those things you did
or failed to do. Then burn the list.
Living your life forever feeling bad
about yourself benefits nobody, least
of all you. And the world is robbed of
the fullness of who you are.***

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MANAGING FINANCIAL ANXIETY

Sarah is a self-employed hair stylist who’s watched her business decrease by 50 percent. She’s cut expenses, but is stuck in a costly lease she can’t afford. She’s also worried about losing her home, and says her anxiety is “through the roof.” Frank and Marilyn have well-paid jobs, and she believes that they will weather the economic downturn. However, Frank is so afraid that one of them will lose their job that he has stopped paying anything but basic bills and recently yelled at Marilyn for going to the dentist. If you have had to tighten your belt, like Sarah, it’s normal to experience anxiety. And when you read every day about failing businesses and people losing their jobs, you can understand that Frank would fear losing theirs. Money is connected with security, a basic need. And when our basic needs are threatened, we feel alarmed. Although uncomfortable, anxiety isn’t all bad. Mild anxiety can actually motivate us to take positive action. Indeed, that seems to be its role. We can’t let go of what’s bothering us until we face the situation, and then we often find that the anxiety has lessened or gone away. But severe anxiety is different. It’s debilitating. And when anxiety interferes in our lives it can be a disorder. If you have these symptoms of anxiety disorder, you might want to seek professional help:

• worry, panic or fear that is extreme
  for the situation

• repeated thoughts or flashbacks of
  traumatic experiences

• nightmares, night terrors and
  insomnia

• cold or sweaty hands and/or feet

• shortness of breath

• heart palpitations
  

Use Anxiety Productively to Ease It If your anxiety is mild or moderate, these strategies can help reduce it by using anxiety as a spur for action. Face any money issues. Fighting yourself in a down economy adds insult to injury. Seek support and learning in therapy, Debtors Anonymous, and books such as Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt and Live Prosperously, by Jerrold Mundis
and Your Money or Your Life, by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin. Acknowledge your role. If you made a questionable financial choice, blaming others or beating yourself up won’t help. Understand why you made the choice. Do something about it, if you can, and then let it go. Forgive yourself. Be proactive. You can’t direct the economy, but you can gain a sense of control and reduce your anxiety by being more proactive around your finances. Face the reality of your situation and take appropriate steps, whether that’s negotiating with creditors or leaseholders, reducing expenses or seeking other sources of income. Don’t cut to the bone. Eliminating all treats from your budget reintroduces scarcity into the equation, which can breed more anxiety. Learn to live well within your means by seeking pleasures you can afford. Find the courage to face your anxieties and take the actions that present themselves. Sarah eventually negotiated with her leaseholder and moved to an affordable location he also owned. Frank is now exploring the root of his money issues, and he and Marilyn have added inexpensive pleasures to their lives**

HOW WELL DO YOU MAINTAIN BALANCE?

If trying to maintain balance in your life makes you feel like a tightrope walker, you’re not alone. Most of us have so many demands on our time and energy, life can feel like a three-ring circus. Take this true or false quiz to see how well you are meeting responsibilities, while also recognizing and fulfilling personal needs and wants.

1. The only way I can successfully manage my life is to take care of myself physically and emotionally.

2. Nurturing myself enlarges my capacity to help others.

3. I eat healthfully and exercise regularly.

4. I get check-ups, go to the dentist, and take preventative precautions.

5. I set aside personal, quiet time for myself, whether I’m meditating or simply letting my thoughts drift.

6. I experience the gifts of each season: ice skating, sledding, bundled-up beach walks; gardening, hiking, more time outside; camping, swimming, barbeques; harvesting the bounty, gathering wood, spending more time inside.

7. Creativity nurtures me, too. I do what I love, whether that’s cooking, drawing, painting, writing, dancing, singing or another creative pursuit.

8. Reaching out to others enriches my life. I spend quality time with family and friends.

9. Contributing to the world provides connection and purpose, so I give my time, energy and experience where it is most useful.

10. I notice and heed the emotional signals that tell me I’m out of balance: irritability, overwhelm, resentment.

11. If I feel that I’m catching a cold, I realize I may have stressed my immune system with overactivity, so I stop and take care of myself.

12. When I need or want to, I say no to requests for my time.

13. I listen to and honor the requests my body makes for such things as a nap, a walk, green vegetables, hot soup.

14. If I have something planned for myself, I don’t just toss that aside when someone makes a request of me.

15. I’m busy, but I find time to do the things I want to do.

If you answered false more often than true, you may want to take a look at the questions to which you answered false and see if you can incorporate something of its message into your life**