The Holidays: Here They Come, Ready or Not

When the weather changes and the leaves begin to wither, it starts. By Halloween, it’s gathering momentum and by Thanksgiving, it has us in a full-body press. “It” is The Holidays, and whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa or simply “the season,” what everybody has in common this last quarter of the year is stress with a capital S. No wonder. All those events and activities, family gatherings. The kids are out of school again, house guests are coming, or you’re planning a trip. Don’t even mention shopping for gifts, sending greeting cards or decorating the house. The credit cards are maxed out, you’ve got more chores than you can shake a stick at and your “to do” list is longer than Santa’s beard. And you swore it would all be different this year. Take heart. It’s not too late. With intention, it really can be different this year. First thing to remember: take good care of yourself: Eat healthfully, get plenty of rest, exercise, drink lots of water. Breathe deeply. Relax and have fun. During the holidays when already too-busy lives become even more hectic, some serious time management is in order. Write down a list of all the things you want to do. Prioritize. Assign some chores to the children. Consider scratching a few items off your list. Make a budget and stick to it. Remember, it’s not the price, but the thoughtfulness of the gift. Use gift certifi- cates if you’re unsure of what to give. Remember, adults aren’t the only ones who feel more stress during the holiday season. Children experience it, too. Keep communications lines open and spend quality time with your youngsters. This is a wonderful time to share your family’s holiday traditions through storytelling or special seasonal activities. Getting the young ones outside the house, for full body exercise will help them and you to work off stress. Go out and play together. Having house guests? Try to make them as self-suf- ficient as possible. Ask for help. And even though it might be fun, don’t wear yourself out by staying up late every night, or stuffing each day as full as a Christmas goose.

Family gatherings may be complex, given blended families and special holiday arrangements. Conflicting family expectations and demands can create guilt and resentment. If family gatherings cause tension and anxiety, consider alternatives that can lessen the effects. Make plans well enough in advance to avoid any last minute surprises or disappointments. Finally, take time for yourself. Find a place where you can be quiet and restful. Take a walk, breathe in the fresh air. Look around you, notice nature’s response to the season and let yourself be amazed. Those Holiday Blues Are Real It’s not unusual to feel down during the holidays. In fact, so many people experience feelings of sadness or loss, of being overwhelmed at this time of year, even the name for it has become a cliché: the Holiday Blues. As the name implies, these blues are seasonal. When the holidays are over, they’ll probably disappear right along with the decorations and last of the Christmas cookies. But they are real and their symptoms can dampen an otherwise joyous holiday experience. Here are some symptoms and some solutions:
• Feelings of loss or separation from loved ones may be intensified during the holidays.
• Fatigue from holiday stress affects you emotionally as well as physically.
• Families and family traditions change. Are you hanging onto old ideas or pictures?
• Media images of the perfect holidays seldom match anyone's real life. Check your expectations against the reality of your situation.
• Over-indulging in food and drink will have aftereffects. So will lack of physical exercise, sleep and rest.
• If you're feeling "the blues," get support from friends and family. Don't isolate.
• These feelings are real and valid. Acknowledge them.
• Make time to refill yourself.
• Understand that this is a stressful time. And that it will be over. Experiencing the holiday blues is part of the common experience.
Feelings beyond "the blues" and feelings that are more debilitating, or that extend beyond the holiday season, may signal depression. If this is true for you, don't hesitate to ask for help.

Saving Ourselves from Self-Sabotage

When he was a boy, Stan vowed he’d never be a father like his own father whom he described as aloof, critical, and emotionally unavailable. Yet, 30 years later, he catches himself treating his son harshly and constantly judging him for not measuring up. Patricia loves her job and her boss. The only thorn is that her boss prizes punctuality and Patricia just can’t seem to be on time for anything, whether it’s a team meeting or that project that was due last week. What Stan and Patricia have in common is self-sabotage. It eats away inside, creating a cycle of self-destruction with the result that we aren’t really living the life we want for ourselves. "If we don’t succeed in identifying and owning this sinister part, we can never be free,” says Stanley Rosner, author of The Self-Sabotage Cycle.

Numerous studies show that women are more prone to lower selfesteem and self-doubting thoughts. This leads to self-sabotaging behavior, according to author Nancy Good. In Slay Your Own Dragons, she lists several signs of self-defeating behavior:
1. Being overly passive, fearful, listless or indecisive, so that chances pass us by.
2. Having a chronically chaotic financial situation.
3. Being controlled by depression and anxiety.
4. Being controlled by compulsive behaviors to abuse alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, physical exercise, etc. Being compulsively late. Expressing anger inappropriately.
5. Being mistreated by partners and spouses. Being stuck in an unhappy relationship but doing nothing to change the situation. Having a series of unsatisfying relationships.

Recognizing self-defeating thoughts and behavior is the first step to change. The first step is to observe yourself and your thoughts. The next step is to take responsibility for your thoughts and behavior so that you control them and they stop controlling you. Self-observation is a powerful tool against the behaviors that defeat us. For example, Stan could take his son fishing taking care to be positive and to stay silent when he feels a criticism rising in his throat. To do this, he would first have to decide that a good relationship with his son was more important that being “right.” Setting a goal is the next step. Without blame or shame, choose one behavior to change. For example, Patricia could decide not to be late anymore. To do this, she would have to decide that something was more important than being late such as a job she loves. One tactic might be to write a positive affirmation each night in a journal, or set her clock an hour early, or enlist a friend to call her for a week, reminding her to walk out the door. After a while, the rewards of being on time could become greater than the self-defeating cycle of being late. It’s not easy to change patterns of self sabotage, but with time and practice it is possible to end a self defeating cycle and live the life we truly want for ourselves.