There is one hard and fast rule when it comes to coping with the death of someone you love: there are no rules. Every death is different, and every relationship is different, so the way each of us experiences loss and grief will be different. Grief is a journey, and when someone dies, those of us who mourn will take that journey in a unique way. It’s a journey through some of the most emotionally intense and painful passages of life, and sometimes it will seem as if nothing and no one can help. However, there are some common guidelines that can be an anchor to anyone who is suffering through loss. “Grief will take as long as it takes,” writes Rusty Berkus in To Heal Again: Towards Serenity and the Resolution of Grief. “There is no right way to grieve—there is just your way.” Death: Part of the Fabric of Life For centuries, death was woven into the fabric of life. People were born at home and died at home, and families and cultures developed rituals to help them deal with the loss. However, in the past century, as death moved into hospitals and mortuaries, people became more removed from death. For many people, this made the process of grieving and healing much more difficult. But we are coming back around to understanding. Books, grief counseling, the growth of the hospice movement and personal rituals all attest to the ways we are confronting death in new ways. Guidelines for Grieving On a personal level, losing someone we love can leave us lost and unsure of what to do next. Although there The Journey from Loss to Healing are no rules to the grieving process, there are guidelines that can make the journey easier. Grief falls into roughly four stages: shock and numbness; searching and yearning; disorientation and disorganization, and reorganization (or healing). During any of these stages:• Do not expect too much of yourself, at
least not for awhile.
• Be gentle with yourself and let go of
ideas of the “right” thing to do or the
“right” way to behave.
• Seek support. Ask friends to help
you—with practical details, as well as
just by sitting and listening.
• Don’t be afraid to talk about your loss
and about the person who has died.
This is an important part of the
grieving process. When it comes to
death, silence is not always golden. If
a friend is uncomfortable with your
stories, find friends who can be there.
• Don’t be afraid to seek help if your pain
or depression becomes more than
you can bear. Sometimes our friends
can’t give us the help and support we
need.
• Remember that a person dies, but a
relationship doesn’t. Although the person
you loved is gone, he or she lives on
in you.
In his book, Awakening from Grief: Finding the Way Back to Joy, John Welshons calls death a great teacher for the living and a gift to help us live deeper lives. “Nothing inspires us to want to
find true happiness more effectively than thinking about our own mortality, and nothing else can communicate the urgency with which we need to pursue deeper levels of love and the
sense of being fully alive.” *
