Forms of Addiction Denial
Few of us are eager to admit that our
spouse, child, or friend has an addiction.
Often we don’t recognize the
problem until authorities are involved.
Then we ask how we could have missed
the signs. Here are 10 guises that
denial can take, adapted from Avoiding
Relapse: Catching Your Inner Con, by
Lynn Namka.
1. Denial of the facts. The guidance
counselor doesn’t know what she is
talking about. Our son is fine—he’s
getting straight-As.
2. Denial of the significance of the facts.
I’ve never blacked-out or been
drunk at work. I’m not a wino.
3. Denial of the duration of the
problem. Once I get my degree, I’ll
stop taking stimulants.
4. Denial that fosters false hope for
future use. After I break the habit, I
can drink again at parties.
5. Denial of emotions. I need wine to
deal with the stress. You’d drink,
too, if you had my life.
6. Denial regarding control. I don’t
need those self-help meetings. I’m
doing fine on my own.
7. Denial of family secrets. No one at
the new school needs to know that
our daughter was in rehab.
8. Denial of lifestyle hazards. I don’t
take drugs anymore; I’m just
hanging out with my friends.
9. Denial of responsibility. I use, but
it’s not my fault. I get so much
pressure from everyone.
10. Denial of shame-based feelings. I
can’t let myself know how bad I
feel.
Guilt is handed on, person to
person, as surely as the baton
in a relay race. Each generation
receives it and passes it on to the
next. Parents, teachers, spouses,
businesses, governments, and
religions have used it—consciously
or not—for behavior modification or
punishment. It is such a part of the
fabric of our culture that we don’t
question its validity.
What is Guilt?
“Guilt is the source of sorrow, the
avenging fiend…with whips and
stings,” wrote the 17th century
dramatist, Nicholas Rowe. Rowe’s
words are hardly over-dramatized.
Guilt is like a ball and chain that
weighs us down and keeps us from
being who we are.
Guilt is a secondary emotion.
That means it’s a feeling that stems
from other thoughts or feelings.
Guilt comes from thinking that you
have done, or want to do, something
wrong. These thoughts of guilt infect
and suppress your real feelings, such
as anger, grief, desire, or happiness.
Typically, we deal with feelings
of guilt by denying them. However,
denied feelings don’t disappear; they
submerge and stay unconscious,
continuing to show up in negative
patterns of behavior.
But the good news is that guilt
is simply a conditioned response—
which means we can change it.
Getting a Handle on Guilt
First, remember that we are here
to learn. Our culture has taught us
that making mistakes is bad, but
mistakes are simply a way of learning
and growing, and provide excellent
feedback.
Acknowledge the guilt. Become aware
of the guilty feelings that overlay your
true feelings. Listen to the “you should”
and “you shouldn't” messages that
guilt whispers in your ear.
Question your guilt. Don’t take it for
granted. You were taught to feel
guilty for feeling or behaving in
a certain way. Are you willing to
unlearn this behavior, and to release
it? Examine what guilt is costing you
and if it offers any positive results in
your life.
Recognize the difference between your
conscience and guilt. Our conscience
provides us with a self-assured sense
of right and wrong and is a helpful
guide to behavior, while guilt is a
form of brainwashing that erodes
self-worth and our ability to make
good judgments. Those “should”
messages are a good indicator of the
difference.
Experience the feeling that guilt is
suppressing. Healing occurs when
feelings are acknowledged and
experienced. Jackie had been
taught as a child that anger was an
unacceptable emotion. Feeling angry
with her husband, she became aware
of the guilt–“I shouldn’t be angry”–
that was stopping her from speaking
up. With that realization, Jackie’s
guilt evaporated. She expressed
herself and, for the first time in her
life, knew what guilt-free anger felt
like: alive, clean, and clear.
Move the guilt out of your body. Identify
where in your body you feel guilt;
imagine all your guilt gathered there.
See it now as if in a balloon, floating
out of your body, into space. Or, write
down all the reasons you “should”
feel guilty—all those things you did
or failed to do. Then burn the list.
Living your life forever feeling bad
about yourself benefits nobody, least
of all you. And the world is robbed of
the fullness of who you are.***
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