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December 16, 2010

Coping with the Holidays After the Death of a Loved One or when you Are a Victim/Crime Survivor


You Can Make It Through the Holidays
Many among us have struggled with the cloud of sadness that may surround the holidays when a friend or family has experienced a tragedy such as a sudden violent death or a serious physical or emotional injury. The onslaught of holiday cheer may seem too much to bear. Holidays may give rise to new or returning bouts of depression, panic attacks, and other forms of anxiety for those whose lives have been affected. Victims of crime, family members, friends, and work colleagues may re-experience life-changing traumas through flashbacks, nightmares, and overwhelming sadness. Some have trouble sleeping, while others don't want to get out of bed. Tears may come easily, often when least expected. Old ailments, including headaches, gastrointestinal problems, and other aches and pains may return.

Many victims and families, however, have found that holidays can be manageable if they take charge of the season, rather than letting it take charge of them.

Families who have made this difficult journey offer some suggestions to help those who may be just starting down this path.

Change Traditions

Trying to make this holiday seem like holidays of the past can intensify the difference. Gather the family together early and decide which traditions to keep and which to let go. Change holiday plans to accommodate the needs and wishes of those who are hurting the most. Pay particular attention to the physical needs of someone who has acquired a disability as a result of victimization.

Create a Special Tribute

Some families light a special candle and place it on a holiday table to honor the memory of a loved one who has died. Others keep a chair empty and place a flower or other memorial on the seat. Some write treasured remembrances and place them on a special plate or in a bowl for those who wish to read them. Families of a surviving victim may want to honor that person by openly expressing gratitude for his or her presence.

Consider Carefully Where to Spend the Holidays

Many people think going away will make the holidays easier. This may be helpful if you are traveling to a place where you will feel loved and nurtured. However, if travel is arranged as a means of trying to avoid the holiday atmosphere, remember that American holidays are celebrated throughout this country and in many parts of the world. It is impossible to escape holiday reminders.

Accept grieving friends and family members as they are; don't try to tell them how they should feel or state that you "understand" how they feel. Focus on giving unconditional support.

Balance Solitude With Sociability

Rest and solitude can help renew strength. Friends and family, however, can be a wonderful source of support. If you are invited to holiday outings, make an effort to go. Attend concerts or other cultural events that lift your spirits. You may surprise yourself by enjoying special outings, even if you feel like crying later.

Relive Fond Memories

Attempting to go through the holidays pretending that nothing has happened can be a heavy and unrealistic burden. Think about holiday seasons you have enjoyed in the past and identify memories you want to hold in your heart forever. No one can take those away from you. Celebrate them and be grateful. If feelings of sadness pop up at inappropriate times, such as at work or in a public gathering, try thinking about what you have, rather than what you have lost. Focus on the blessing of the memories in your heart.

Set Aside Some "Letting Go" Time

Schedule time to be alone and release sad and lonely, pent-up feelings. You may want to cry or write about your thoughts and feelings. If someone has died, you may choose to write a letter to say "goodbye," "I love you," or "I'm sorry." Even though it may feel strange, allow your loved one to write back to you through your pen. You may be surprised at what you write. By setting aside special times to allow painful feelings to surface, it becomes easier to postpone expressing them in public.

Counter the Conspiracy of Silence

Family members may consciously or unconsciously conspire to avoid mentioning the tragedy in your family. This is usually a well-intentioned but misguided attempt to protect your feelings. If this seems to be happening, take the initiative and talk to your family about the importance of talking openly about what has happened and sharing your feelings of loss or sadness. Encourage them to tell stories about your loved one and to look for opportunities to refer to him or her by name.
LPC Continuing Education
Notice the Positive

Some people conclude that facing the holidays is simply "awful." But deciding prematurely that "everything about life is awful" is too strong a generalization from a personal tragedy. Although you may have difficult times during the holidays, you also may experience joy. Accept the love and care of others. Reach out to someone else who is suffering. Give yourself permission to feel sad and to experience joy.

Consider shopping online as an alternative to the frenzy of mall shopping-but don't try to "buy" your way out of sad feelings.


Find a Creative Outlet

If you have difficulty talking about your feelings, look for a creative way to express yourself. Write a poem or story that you can share with others. Buy watercolors or oils and put your feelings on paper or canvas, even if only splashes of color. Contribute to a favorite charity or organization in your loved one's memory-either financially or by volunteering to help. Buy gifts for less fortunate children, a hospital, or a nursing home.

Remember the Children

Listen to them. Celebrate them. Cherish them.

Children may have deep feelings that can be overlooked if you spend all your time focusing on yourself. Putting up holiday decorations can be a draining emotional experience, but these symbols are very significant to children. A friend or relative likely will be happy to help decorate or purchase and wrap gifts.


Protect Your Health

Physical and emotional stress changes the chemical balance in your system and can make you ill. Eat healthy food and avoid over-indulging in sweets. Drink plenty of water, even if you don't feel thirsty. Avoid alcohol, which can be a depressant. Take a multivitamin. Get 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night. Talk with your doctor about an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication if you think it will help. If you are unsure how a medication will affect you, talk to your doctor about your concerns.


The most valuable help usually comes from someone who shares a common experience or understands something about what you're going through.


Call Upon Available Resources

People of faith are encouraged to observe services and rituals offered by their church, synagogue, mosque, temple, or other faith community. Many "veterans of faith" offer serenity, a quiet presence, and healing wisdom. You may want to look for a support group of persons who have suffered similar experiences. The Mental Health America has affiliates around the Nation that keep lists of such local groups. If a group does not exist in your area, you can establish your own short-term group to focus on getting through the holidays. Spend as much time as possible with the people you love the most.

Most important, remember that you can't change the past, but you can take charge of the present and shape the future.

Family Health: Holiday Health and Safety Tips


The holidays are a time to celebrate, give thanks, and reflect. They are also a time to pay special attention to your health. Give the gift of health and safety to yourself and others by following these holiday tips.

Wash your hands often.
Keeping hands clean is one of the most important steps you can take to avoid getting sick and spreading germs to others. Wash your hands with soap and clean running water for at least 20 seconds. If soap and clean water are not available, use an alcohol-based product.

Clean Hands Save Lives


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Stay warm.
Cold temperatures can cause serious health problems, especially in infants and older adults. Stay dry, and dress warmly in several layers of loose-fitting, tightly woven clothing.


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Manage stress.
The holidays don’t need to take a toll on your health. Keep a check on over-commitment and over-spending. Balance work, home, and play. Get support from family and friends. Keep a relaxed and positive outlook.


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Travel safely.
Whether you're traveling across town or around the world, help ensure your trip is safe. Don’t drink and drive, and don’t let someone else drink and drive. Wear a seat belt every time you drive or ride in a motor vehicle. Always buckle your child in the car using a child safety seat, booster seat, or seat belt according to his/her height, weight, and age.

Available through the CDC:
Extreme Cold: A Prevention Guide to Promote Your Personal Health and Safety

Impaired Driving

Keep Kids Safe on the Road

Stay Safe and Healthy in Winter Weather

Traumatic Brain Injury

Travelers’ Health


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Be smoke-free.
Avoid smoking and breathing other people's smoke. If you smoke, quit today! Call 1-800-QUIT-NOW or talk to your health care provider for help.


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Get check-ups and vaccinations.
Exams and screenings can help find problems before they start. They can also help find problems early, when the chances for treatment and cure are better. Vaccinations help prevent diseases and save lives. Schedule a visit with your health care provider for a yearly exam. Ask what vaccinations and tests you should get based on your age, lifestyle, travel plans, medical history, and family health history.

Available through the CDC:
Things to Do Before Your Next Check-Up

Family Health History Resources and Tools

Get Smart: Know When Antibiotics Work

Vaccines and Immunizations

Safety of 2010-2011 Flu Vaccines

Women: Stay Healthy at Any Age (AHRQ)

Men: Stay Healthy at Any Age (AHRQ)


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Watch the kids.
Children are at high risk for injuries that can lead to death or disability. Keep a watchful eye on your kids when they’re eating and playing. Keep potentially dangerous toys, food, drinks, household items, choking hazards (like coins and hard candy), and other objects out of kids' reach. Learn how to provide early treatment for children who are choking. Make sure toys are used properly.

Injuries among Children and Adolescents
Toy Safety Tips (CPSC)

Counselor Continuing Education
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Prevent injuries.
Injuries can occur anywhere and some often occur around the holidays. Use step stools instead of furniture when hanging decorations. Leave the fireworks to the professionals. Wear a bicycle helmet to help prevent head injuries.

Most residential fires occur during the winter months. Keep candles away from children, pets, walkways, trees, and curtains. Never leave fireplaces, stoves, or candles unattended. Don't use generators, grills, or other gasoline- or charcoal-burning devices inside your home or garage. Install a smoke detector and carbon monoxide detector in your home. Test them once a month, and replace batteries twice a year.

Bicycle Related Injuries

Carbon Monoxide (CO) Poisoning Prevention

Fall-Related Injuries during the Holiday Season- United States, 2000-2003

General Injury Related Information

Fire Deaths and Injuries: Prevention Tips

Fireworks-Related Injuries


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Handle and prepare food safely.
As you prepare holiday meals, keep you and your family safe from food-related illness. Wash hands and surfaces often. Avoid cross-contamination by keeping raw meat, poultry, seafood, and eggs (including their juices) away from ready-to-eat foods and eating surfaces. Cook foods to the proper temperature. Refrigerate promptly. Do not leave perishable foods out for more than two hours.

It's Turkey Time: Safely Prepare Your Holiday Meal

Seasonal Food Safety: Fact Sheets (USDA)


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Eat healthy, and be active.
With balance and moderation, you can enjoy the holidays the healthy way. Choose fresh fruit as a festive and sweet substitute for candy. Select just one or two of your favorites from the host of tempting foods. Find fun ways to stay active, such as dancing to your favorite holiday music. Be active for at least 2½ hours a week. Help kids and teens be active for at least 1 hour a day.

Alcohol: Frequently Asked Questions

Get Smart Entertaining

Healthy Weight

Be Physically Active in the New Year

Managing Diabetes During the Holidays

Physical Activity for Everyone


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Protect pets from rabies.
Pets are also considered family members by many. Keep them healthy. There are several things you can do to protect your pet from rabies. First, visit your veterinarian with your pet on a regular basis and keep rabies vaccinations up-to-date for all cats, ferrets, and dogs.
Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.