Stop it! Learning to Deal with Verbal Abuse

Sarah is watching TV with her husband Erik. A commercial for a fast food company comes on, and she picks up the remote and mutes it. “Hey!” Erik yells. “Why the hell did you do that! I was watching it!” “Oh, sorry,” Sarah says, turning the sound back on. “Well, it’s too late now!” he rages. “I missed it. You know that I’ve been wanting a hamburger all day.” Sarah stares at him, shocked. She hadn’t known that, and how would viewing the commercial satisfy his desire? She’s trying to figure all this out, why he got so mad, what she can do to fix it. “Sorry,” she says. "I thought you hated commercials.” He turns to her, calls her an idiot and an obscene name, heads for the door, then slams it behind him. Now, she’s even more confused, remembering all the times he’s complained about commercials. Didn’t he just say last week that he wanted a DVR so he could skip them? But Sarah’s afraid to say that, to set him off again, so she just stares blankly at the screen. Like many in verbally abusive relationships, Sarah thinks that if only she changed, she communicated more clearly, she explained things better, her husband wouldn’t get so mad at her. But as Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, explains, abuse victims don’t realize that the problem isn’t theirs: it’s in the abuser’s need to dominate and control. When Sarah's husband yells at her for no reason, she thinks he’s misunderstood her. She doesn’t realize that he’s not looking for understanding, he’s establishing his power over her. Sarah’s story exhibits several of the hallmarks of verbal abuse:
• It’s hostile.
• It’s unpredictable and even bizarre; the attack comes out of the blue.
• It’s manipulative and controlling.
• It happens when no one else is around.
• The victim feels confused and surprised.


Other common aspects of verbal abuse are:
• The words are hurtful; they attack the person or his/her abilities.
• Verbal abuse may be overt, such as angry outbursts, or subtler, such as jokes that convey a general disdain for the other person or her/his interests.
• If confronted, abusers deny the abuse and try to convince the victims that they are too sensitive or are imagining things.
• It’s insidious. Over time, the victim’s self-confi- dence erodes. Victims stop trusting themselves or their perceptions. They become conditioned to the abuse and adapt. They may even think it’s normal, that all people treat their spouses that way. What Can You Do If You Are Being Verbally Abused? First and foremost, recognize that the abuse is not your fault, and that you can’t debate or reason or understand it away. What you can do is refuse to play along.
• Respond to abuse with “Stop it!” or “Don’t talk to me like that”—twice if necessary.
• Resist the urge to explain or defend. Remember, the abuser not interested in understanding you; the abuser wants to control you.
• Listen to your feelings and believe them. Don’t believe it when an abuser tells you you’re crazy or wrong or that you can’t take a joke.
• If the abuser keeps trying to provoke you, assess the danger and, if necessary, remove yourself. Verbal abuse can be a doorway to physical abuse.
• Get support through a therapist and/or a support group. An abuser’s behavior is designed to keep you off track; you’ll need support to see it for what it is and develop the self-esteem to stand up for yourself consistently.
• Seek information. Read the books and articles written on the subject. You’re not alone. Other
people have paved the path for your freedom. Take advantage of what they offer.

When you calmly stand up for yourself and refuse to be goaded into defending or explaining, the abuser will give up. That’s because, as Suzette Haden Elgin, author of You Can’t Say That to Me!, explains, abusers need a victim; if you won’t play that role, he or she can’t abuse. Elgin also recommends ignoring the bait, but then responding to the underlying assumption that often hides in abuse. For example, Sarah could have responded to Erik, “How long have you thought I didn’t care about you?” Erik would have been flustered, thrown back on himself, this time staring at her in shock. Sure, he’d recover; he would use some of the common abuse strategies that the authors outline in their books. But it won’t matter, because no matter what he says, Sarah will not be provoked. Verbal abuse can’t function without a victim, and with a lot of support and information and self-care, Sarah has learned to refuse that role. **

THE JOURNEY FROM LOSS TO HEALING

There is one hard and fast rule when it comes to coping with the death of someone you love: there are no rules. Every death is different, and every relationship is different, so the way each of us experiences loss and grief will be different. Grief is a journey, and when someone dies, those of us who mourn will take that journey in a unique way. It’s a journey through some of the most emotionally intense and painful passages of life, and sometimes it will seem as if nothing and no one can help. However, there are some common guidelines that can be an anchor to anyone who is suffering through loss. “Grief will take as long as it takes,” writes Rusty Berkus in To Heal Again: Towards Serenity and the Resolution of Grief. “There is no right way to grieve—there is just your way.” Death: Part of the Fabric of Life For centuries, death was woven into the fabric of life. People were born at home and died at home, and families and cultures developed rituals to help them deal with the loss. However, in the past century, as death moved into hospitals and mortuaries, people became more removed from death. For many people, this made the process of grieving and healing much more difficult. But we are coming back around to understanding. Books, grief counseling, the growth of the hospice movement and personal rituals all attest to the ways we are confronting death in new ways. Guidelines for Grieving On a personal level, losing someone we love can leave us lost and unsure of what to do next. Although there The Journey from Loss to Healing are no rules to the grieving process, there are guidelines that can make the journey easier. Grief falls into roughly four stages: shock and numbness; searching and yearning; disorientation and disorganization, and reorganization (or healing). During any of these stages:
• Do not expect too much of yourself, at
least not for awhile.
• Be gentle with yourself and let go of
ideas of the “right” thing to do or the
“right” way to behave.
• Seek support. Ask friends to help
you—with practical details, as well as
just by sitting and listening.
• Don’t be afraid to talk about your loss
and about the person who has died.
This is an important part of the
grieving process. When it comes to
death, silence is not always golden. If
a friend is uncomfortable with your
stories, find friends who can be there.
• Don’t be afraid to seek help if your pain
or depression becomes more than
you can bear. Sometimes our friends
can’t give us the help and support we
need.
• Remember that a person dies, but a
relationship doesn’t. Although the person
you loved is gone, he or she lives on
in you.

In his book, Awakening from Grief: Finding the Way Back to Joy, John Welshons calls death a great teacher for the living and a gift to help us live deeper lives. “Nothing inspires us to want to
find true happiness more effectively than thinking about our own mortality, and nothing else can communicate the urgency with which we need to pursue deeper levels of love and the
sense of being fully alive.” *

MAKE YOUR WORRYING WORK FOR YOU

Worrying may have a bad rep, but worrying, if it's done right, can actually be helpful. Effective worrying can anticipate and avoid problems, devise artful solutions, and expand creative possibilities. It leads to constructive action. On the other hand, ineffective worrying is what
keeps us awake at night, distracts us during the day and gives our physical systems a workout
they don't need. When you find yourself in bed at night, tossing and turning, plowing the same field again and again, you're in the midst of worry of the worst kind: self-perpetuating. The more you worry, the more stress chemicals feed back to the brain, telling it to worry more. If you find yourself mired in this worry bog, try some of these actions to put your worries to work for you:

• Get physical. Get up, move around. Action will temporarily relieve the worrying. When you come back to the problem, you may have a better perspective on it.


• Take a walk, work out, go for a bike ride or a run. Exercise increases blood flow, meaning more oxygen to the brain. Exercising regularly means you will probably worry less.


• Write down your worries in a journal. Simply writing your fears and concerns down takes some of the power out of them and gives you a sense of control. Writing your worries also gives you an opportunity to write possible solutions. Try this: write down the worry and, without thought to how workable or realistic the solutions are, write them down as fast as they come to mind. Don't stop to think, just write idea after idea. Given this creative outlet, the same brain that was nagging you with worries, can offer ingenious and often
  elegant solutions.


• Tell a friend. Ask for feedback, another perspective. Or someone to simply listen. Giving voice to your worries can take some of the wind out of their bedraggled sails.


• Make gratitude lists. Oprah Winfrey isn't the only one to recommend them. A gratitude list doesn't have to be long or well thought out. In your journal or on a sheet of paper, jot down several things you’re grateful for. They don't have to be big deals— the way the sun falls on the roses in the morning is just fine, if that's what you thought of. It certainly is not as simple as the song, "Don't Worry, Be Happy," makes it sound, but somewhere underneath
  its whining, nagging voice, worry might have something important to tell you. *

COPING WITH CHANGE

As soon as something nudges us out of our regular routine, or challenges our understanding of how the world works and where we it into it, we’re likely to experience a deluge of feelings, including fear, anxiety, overwhelm, excitement, distraction or denial. In turn, those feelings can manifest
in behavior. You may, unconsciously, act out with aggressive or passive aggressive communication. You may push yourself to overwork or take the opposite approach and procrastinate, avoiding what’s on your plate. Your self-care may suffer. You may reach for unhealthy substances or behaviors, get less sleep, skip meals or overindulge. You might cut yourself off from friends and family and spend more time alone or with people who have unhealthy habits. The Impact Stress from both positive and negative change can have immediate and longterm effects. Stress inhibits digestion and absorption of nutrients, impairs your body’s ability to ward off germs, can cause insomnia and worsen preexisting health conditions. If you’re
also engaging in unhealthy behaviors and poor self-care, you’re at an even higher risk for illness or injury. Mental abilities can be affected, as well. When you’re preoccupied, worried and focused on the future instead of the present, it’s much harder to concentrate and/or apply your brainpower to what’s in front of you. Great leaders are admired for their serenity and confidence in the face of uncertainty. For many of us, though, when change is afoot, serenity is far from our reach. Instead, emotions are much closer to the surface and can flare up at inopportune times. Whether you lash out, cry or pound on your desk, it’s uncomfortable to feel out of control. How to Cope with Change Here are five strategies to help you face change:

1. Take care of your body. Eat well, sleep
   well, exercise to discharge stress and
   refrain from harmful habits, such
   as smoking, excessive drinking,
   recreational drugs or other risky
   behavior.



2. Take care of your mind. Stay in the
   present moment by practicing
   deep breathing and/or meditation.
   Challenge your negative thinking and
   keep things in perspective


3. Express your emotions in healthy ways.
   Share them with your therapist and
   people you trust. Vent your negative
   feelings by pounding on a pillow or
   banging on a drum.


4. Treat others well. Strengthen your
   good relationships so you can draw
   on their support, and work at your
   challenging relationships so they
   don’t add to your stress.


5. Take charge. Be proactive and prepare
   the best you can for the changes
   that might come, but then accept the
   reality of the moment. Think back
   to other challenges you’ve come
   through and remind yourself that
   everything will work out okay this
   time, too.
   

Into every life change will come, but its lasting impact doesn’t have to be harmful. Change also has a way of opening new and rewarding doors. Bottom line, let change be the catalys for better self-care, which will feed you in all times, stable and uncertain. *

The Holidays: Here They Come, Ready or Not

When the weather changes and the leaves begin to wither, it starts. By Halloween, it’s gathering momentum and by Thanksgiving, it has us in a full-body press. “It” is The Holidays, and whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa or simply “the season,” what everybody has in common this last quarter of the year is stress with a capital S. No wonder. All those events and activities, family gatherings. The kids are out of school again, house guests are coming, or you’re planning a trip. Don’t even mention shopping for gifts, sending greeting cards or decorating the house. The credit cards are maxed out, you’ve got more chores than you can shake a stick at and your “to do” list is longer than Santa’s beard. And you swore it would all be different this year. Take heart. It’s not too late. With intention, it really can be different this year. First thing to remember: take good care of yourself: Eat healthfully, get plenty of rest, exercise, drink lots of water. Breathe deeply. Relax and have fun. During the holidays when already too-busy lives become even more hectic, some serious time management is in order. Write down a list of all the things you want to do. Prioritize. Assign some chores to the children. Consider scratching a few items off your list. Make a budget and stick to it. Remember, it’s not the price, but the thoughtfulness of the gift. Use gift certifi- cates if you’re unsure of what to give. Remember, adults aren’t the only ones who feel more stress during the holiday season. Children experience it, too. Keep communications lines open and spend quality time with your youngsters. This is a wonderful time to share your family’s holiday traditions through storytelling or special seasonal activities. Getting the young ones outside the house, for full body exercise will help them and you to work off stress. Go out and play together. Having house guests? Try to make them as self-suf- ficient as possible. Ask for help. And even though it might be fun, don’t wear yourself out by staying up late every night, or stuffing each day as full as a Christmas goose.

Family gatherings may be complex, given blended families and special holiday arrangements. Conflicting family expectations and demands can create guilt and resentment. If family gatherings cause tension and anxiety, consider alternatives that can lessen the effects. Make plans well enough in advance to avoid any last minute surprises or disappointments. Finally, take time for yourself. Find a place where you can be quiet and restful. Take a walk, breathe in the fresh air. Look around you, notice nature’s response to the season and let yourself be amazed. Those Holiday Blues Are Real It’s not unusual to feel down during the holidays. In fact, so many people experience feelings of sadness or loss, of being overwhelmed at this time of year, even the name for it has become a cliché: the Holiday Blues. As the name implies, these blues are seasonal. When the holidays are over, they’ll probably disappear right along with the decorations and last of the Christmas cookies. But they are real and their symptoms can dampen an otherwise joyous holiday experience. Here are some symptoms and some solutions:
• Feelings of loss or separation from loved ones may be intensified during the holidays.
• Fatigue from holiday stress affects you emotionally as well as physically.
• Families and family traditions change. Are you hanging onto old ideas or pictures?
• Media images of the perfect holidays seldom match anyone's real life. Check your expectations against the reality of your situation.
• Over-indulging in food and drink will have aftereffects. So will lack of physical exercise, sleep and rest.
• If you're feeling "the blues," get support from friends and family. Don't isolate.
• These feelings are real and valid. Acknowledge them.
• Make time to refill yourself.
• Understand that this is a stressful time. And that it will be over. Experiencing the holiday blues is part of the common experience.
Feelings beyond "the blues" and feelings that are more debilitating, or that extend beyond the holiday season, may signal depression. If this is true for you, don't hesitate to ask for help.

Saving Ourselves from Self-Sabotage

When he was a boy, Stan vowed he’d never be a father like his own father whom he described as aloof, critical, and emotionally unavailable. Yet, 30 years later, he catches himself treating his son harshly and constantly judging him for not measuring up. Patricia loves her job and her boss. The only thorn is that her boss prizes punctuality and Patricia just can’t seem to be on time for anything, whether it’s a team meeting or that project that was due last week. What Stan and Patricia have in common is self-sabotage. It eats away inside, creating a cycle of self-destruction with the result that we aren’t really living the life we want for ourselves. "If we don’t succeed in identifying and owning this sinister part, we can never be free,” says Stanley Rosner, author of The Self-Sabotage Cycle.

Numerous studies show that women are more prone to lower selfesteem and self-doubting thoughts. This leads to self-sabotaging behavior, according to author Nancy Good. In Slay Your Own Dragons, she lists several signs of self-defeating behavior:
1. Being overly passive, fearful, listless or indecisive, so that chances pass us by.
2. Having a chronically chaotic financial situation.
3. Being controlled by depression and anxiety.
4. Being controlled by compulsive behaviors to abuse alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food, physical exercise, etc. Being compulsively late. Expressing anger inappropriately.
5. Being mistreated by partners and spouses. Being stuck in an unhappy relationship but doing nothing to change the situation. Having a series of unsatisfying relationships.

Recognizing self-defeating thoughts and behavior is the first step to change. The first step is to observe yourself and your thoughts. The next step is to take responsibility for your thoughts and behavior so that you control them and they stop controlling you. Self-observation is a powerful tool against the behaviors that defeat us. For example, Stan could take his son fishing taking care to be positive and to stay silent when he feels a criticism rising in his throat. To do this, he would first have to decide that a good relationship with his son was more important that being “right.” Setting a goal is the next step. Without blame or shame, choose one behavior to change. For example, Patricia could decide not to be late anymore. To do this, she would have to decide that something was more important than being late such as a job she loves. One tactic might be to write a positive affirmation each night in a journal, or set her clock an hour early, or enlist a friend to call her for a week, reminding her to walk out the door. After a while, the rewards of being on time could become greater than the self-defeating cycle of being late. It’s not easy to change patterns of self sabotage, but with time and practice it is possible to end a self defeating cycle and live the life we truly want for ourselves.